I'm watching The Incredible Hulk on FX and occasionally thinking about licking all over Edward Norton. This prompted me to consider my ideals, which (of course) brought me to the subject of inventory.
There are many ways to take inventory, and it's not all about resentments and fears. Life includes a plethora of emotions beyond anger and anxiety. Also, I have more things to consider than just the day's frustrations and mistakes. What is my financial plan, and have I developed a budget to support my goals? Where do I envision my life heading, and how might I achieve self-actualization? What are my ideals for career, family, relationships, sex, social conduct, etc.?
Over the past year, I have taken inventory of these things. Inventory has been followed by appropriate action. Now that I've had some time to begin working toward my objectives and to see the results of my efforts thus far, I am concluding that it appears to have been an exercise in futility. What started well has ended in disappointment. And now I see more clearly the implications of self-will and God's will.
It's a tough subject. On the basis that working a spiritual program serves to align self-will with God's will, I took self-motivated actions while practicing open-mindedness and willingness to accept whatever outcome I got. It made sense. After all, months of praying for knowledge of God's will for me and waiting to receive this knowledge had produced nothing. God hadn't called me on the phone. He hadn't struck me with sudden clarity and insight of His plans for my life. There came a point where I couldn't continue to sit around idly as the days passed me by. I had to go out and actually live life. So what do you do when you don't know what God's will is? The next right thing. I just started doing.
Someone told me that God's will is what happens. Simply, if it happens, it's God's will; if it doesn't happen, it's not God's will. And it's just for today. Things that didn't happen at one point in time ended up happening at a later point. Some things still haven't happened. Other things won't happen ever. No one knows. My daily approach to life involves taking self-motivated actions and seeing what happens. I don't know what else to do.
As mentioned, I have inventoried my ideals and ambitions and started putting them into practice. I've found myself facing a lot of disappointment. How could I, in certain situations, be so far off the mark?
At this moment, I'm remembering the first time I encountered the subject of my ideals. It was in the Fourth Step, near the end, following the sex inventory. "We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them." After that, we share all of our life story with another human being (the Fifth Step) and acquire the willingness to strive for living in the perfect image of God (an image which we will never achieve, but that's hardly the point). Then we go about making our amends and repeating the whole process of Steps Three through Nine on a daily basis, ad infinitum. So what about those ideals? Well, we ask God to shape them after we've taken inventory and to remove whatever defects of character stand in the way of our usefulness to Him and our fellows. And that's what we continue to do in Steps Ten and Eleven.
In the Eleventh Step practice of meditation, we are advised to thoughtfully reflect on a prayer (any prayer, though the Prayer of Saint Francis is perhaps the most common) that emphasizes spiritual principles. Once we are in a relaxed state of mind, we envision ourselves living according to the principles described in the prayer, acknowledge where we are now with how we are living our lives, and consider what our lives might look like if we were to move closer to this spiritual objective. Finally, we ask God to show us the way and provide what we need, and we thank Him for our glimpse into the realm of the Spirit.
That's it. Nothing about identifying my ideals. In fact, I have no involvement in determining my ideals. I ask God to do it. He's the one who shapes them. Through meditation, which serves to open my spiritual channel and consiously connect me to God so I can hear what He has to say, my ideals are further shaped. But it's all about God: His ideals, His purpose, His will.
I'm not saying that it's a waste of time to inventory my ideals and ambitions. Such inventory may offer greater insight to what is driving me in thought and action. But dude, that's not supposed to be my basis for living. Cuz that would be a life run on self-will. [Homer] D'oh! [/Homer]
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