The Search Begins...

I'm tired of putting band-aids on problems instead of treating the problems. I finally met with a counselor today.

I'm not sure whether I'm attempting to reinvent myself or discover myself. Either way, the place I'm at right now is confusing and lacking in form. "Any way the wind blows," sang Freddy Mercury. My ideas of who I am are constantly shifting and changing shape. The problem is that circumstances will always change, so circumstance-based self-conceptions will continue to leave me feeling like I've lived the lives of a hundred personalities, not one of them my own.

I do still cling to the vague belief that I was made for more than this. No one can survive a dozen or more narrowly-escaped-death incidents and suicide attempts, and not think that there must be a reason: a greater purpose to yet serve. Why would I be so fortunate? Why have I been spared? What am I still doing here?

I'm making the effort to keep walking toward God, toward whatever His purpose for me, toward whatever person He has intended me to be. It's long, it's hard, it's painful; and most days, I hate it. But I'm still doing it. I don't know anything else.